Bye Bye Monkeys. Hello Robots.

Posted on March 30, 2017 By
Optimus Prime vs Megatron

Welcoming the Artificially Intelligent Copywriter

A new era is upon us. The children of the world have finally accepted our future. The robots are here to stay.

When Rayna saw a broken boiler on the side of the road, she saw a truth that many of us refuse to admit. Her unconditional wuv for what she assumed was a wobot confirms that we’ve transcended our old world of static, dumb objects.

Why buy a “manual” toothbrush when you can get Phronix, a smart device that connects to an app showing you a live video of that bit of chia seed you missed? Why drink protein shakes the “old-fashioned way” when you can connect your bottle to Bluetooth?

But our utopian future isn’t just limited to these really useful smart home products. Our workplaces will be transformed too.

The Renaissance 2: Machiavelli’s Return

Take the world of copywriting and content creation. No longer will we have to rely on a thousand monkeys typing away furiously to generate that killer original sentence. We’re living at the dawn of a new age of intellectual prowess.

We’re going to make copywriting great again.

Using real-time, insights-based feedback, Atomic AI makes your content better. If that’s not enough for you, Persado’s natural language processing technologies actually generate the precise words that can inspire any given audience to act.

These platforms guarantee to improve your messaging 100% of the time. Yes, you read that right. One. Hundred. Per Cent. So after you’ve read this post, never exploit living animals again. It’s more ethical, efficient, and economical to turn to AI for all your copywriting needs.

In fact, why stop there? Replace yourself with an AI VR Avatar and you won’t even need to hire the robots yourself. Get your electronic double to do it for you. You’ve got better things to do, like sitting at home all day in your PJs watching Jeremy Kyle.

Feet up watching TV

What’s more, you won’t need to monitor the results of your campaign because AgilOne will know what to improve for next time. It creates an authentic personal experience for each of the thousands of customers you don’t know the names of.

And don’t even bother thinking about optimising your website to make the most of your thought-provoking content – The Grid has it covered already. We truly are blessed to be living in an age when websites can design themselves.

In fact, you may as well just quit your job and let IBM’s Watson do it for you. From the marketing hype it seems like it’s superior to us meatbags in every way.

Good riddance to outdated values

The entire output of humanity’s creative endeavours can now be fed into a machine for analysis and replication. AI gets more engagement and conversions than a human writer. It’s just better. The numbers prove it. We’ve got people, very smart people, who’ve told us.

Never mind the long-term relationships people develop with each other through language. Real success is measured in short-term likes and clicks.

Girl on phone ignoring mum

You can’t reproduce creativity in your next campaign so you may as well do away with that too. Creativity’s for hipsters and liberals anyway, right?

And what about personality? Well, you can’t measure it for a start. And we already see too much of that on Instagram anyway. Effective content is predictable.

So what’s the future of A Thousand Monkeys?

To keep our product fresh, we’ll be going through a major rebrand. Once we’ve euthanised the monkeys, we’ll be reopening as copyx.io – the Uber of the writing world. We won’t have a physical location, but you can contact us by asking Siri to put you in touch.

We’re embracing a future where everything is instant, on-demand and in your pocket. We’ll be supplying all our customers with an always-on voice assistant that converts your unoptimised speech into shareable content.

Need a subject line for your next dairy industry email newsletter? Ask your phone and out comes “You Won’t Believe Where Kim Kardashian Put Her Cereal Bowl!” We know it works because, science.

Our new annual subscription pricing structure means you have unlimited use of our app in any situation. First date? Save yourself the embarrassment and let our algorithms do the talking. We’ve got some great conversation topics, like directions to Bikram Yoga in Croydon, or what 12 stones is in kilograms.

Get ready for copyx.io. You’ll love it. It’s going to be yuge.

Death to all monkeys. Long live the robots.

This post was generated with the copyx.io patented content system. Any views expressed herein are the product of random computer calculations and are not representative of the company or its human slaves.

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This post was written by Chris Silberston